The end of today

Rarely do I stay up or out late, and tonight's no different.  I'm late already. 

I made it through.  I fell apart several times only to have a friend call or text or post on facebook an encouragement.  Always exactly what I needed to hear.  Reassurance.  Love.  Admiration.  Things I don't ask for and don't know are there but that my dear friends are abundant with during difficult times.

Once out of the hospital parking garage, I called William.  I knew he'd answer, and always with a compliment that under normal circumstances would put a smile on my face.  "Hello!  How is my dear lady today."  That recognition that it's me.  No sense in wasting time with anything else other than our need to talk.

I managed to get a handful of words out before I began to cry to him, and I couldn't have asked for more support.  He knows.  He knows the struggles first hand.  I've cried to him before.  I've laughed with him before.  I admire him and the dedication that he's grown for me and for my children.  Without being told, he knows my need to be complimented.  He knows when I need support.  He knows when I need to bitch.  He knows when I need to be told what verse in the Bible to go to for comfort. 

And he crowned me today.  With his words.  With his support.  Understanding.  And fearlessness at my vulnerability.  Where in the hell are the men in this world who are men?  Things get dicey or out of their comfort zone and they're automatically putting up walls in places where none existed and where none were needed. 

I'm a strong woman, and I've seen sides of hell that most people have never and will never see.  I've seen them in my own life, in the lives of children, and in the lives of loved ones.  I have the ability to connect with those I don't know who are living in sordid conditions.  And I can do all of that without backing up, without getting scared, without slamming on the brakes. 

But sometimes, I need a man to man up.  William did for me today.  We talked less than five minutes, and I could tell he was in the middle of something, but my calls go straight through to be dealt with immediately by him.  I don't have to wait.  I don't have to translate.  He just knows.  And even though I knew he didn't have an hour to talk, and I didn't want to talk an hour, he gave me just the amount of time I needed. 

And then checked on me again tonight.  It's Friday night.  He's got plenty to do much of which I'm not aware and don't want or need to know.  But he took the time to do what he said he would do. 

That's a real man.  And to be cared for like that by a man like that is romantic to me.  It's not about sex.  It's about knowing how to meet a woman's needs without blinking an eye.  Without fear. Without hesitation. 

I love him.  I haven't told him, but he knows it, and I know he loves me right back.  Is it life changing love?  No.  Is it relationship changing love?  No.  Is it a facet of what I need and what many people in the world need and can't get out of their damn black or white boxes to get?  Yes.

There is so much gray in the world.  And it is in the gray that we find the true things our hearts need.  The black and white gets too complicated.  Too committal.  Too tied down. 

Gray. 

I have green eyes, a very unusual characteristic, and green is my favorite color.  But it's the gray in life that helps to save us from drowning in the muck. 

William. When we met, who would have known?